denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Monday, January 9, 2012

the final post.

A year ago today Scott died. A lot has happened in that year. I was in shock and denial that the person I shared nearly 7 years with was no longer around. He was gone, in one night. How was this possible? In an instant. I fought so fucking hard for him to be alive, doing everything I could to make him happy and well...yet it wasn't enough. I could not save him. I blamed myself. Today, I know it was not my fault. I can never save someone, I can only save myself. What I gave to him, I now give myself.

I came through the worst year of my life a better person. Not a lot of people can say that, but I honestly feel blessed. I know that the world works in mysterious ways and I will be fulfilled in a way that I never knew existed. Because I love me more than ever before. There is a reason why this happened. I had to go through what I did, to be the person I am today. And the person I will be for the rest of my life.

When I think back to this day a year ago, it's hard to put myself in the same shoes cause I feel so different. I cannot relate to the same emotions anymore. I remember everything vividly, yet I have a different connection. It's my past. It will shape my future, but I will not be defined any longer as the "griever." I am saddened, but I am not in mourning.

I am saying goodbye to Scott. I am closing the chapter of us. I am moving on...because I am ready.

I am me. I am happy and everyone has said "he would want you to be happy." Well everyone, I'm happy. Scott, I am happy.

The end.

The beginning (new blog coming soon solely dedicated to a new chapter and life)...


  1. I read most of your blog here. I lost my mum in November last year. She was only 60 and although she had cancer she died because she got an infection. We lost her quicker than we ever expected too. Sometimes I trawl the internet looking for someone who may understand how much it hurts, it helps somehow although I can't explain why. thank-you for this blog, I am sorry for your loss and fwiw I have some small understanding of how much it hurts, even though you are several months ahead of me.

    Sara (

    1. Siri, I know this is a few years old but literally everything you said there mirrors what happened to my father earlier this year, right down the the age and the cancer and the infection and losing him sooner than expected... two months after diagnosed. It is so hard and I hope you have found peace in the mean time.

  2. good for you, friend. I am in the same boat. I have found someone I am in love with and I totally think John would approve. I still get sad... but it's no where near what it used to be. I look forward to the new blog. Keep us updated!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.