A year ago today Scott died. A lot has happened in that year. I was in shock and denial that the person I shared nearly 7 years with was no longer around. He was gone, in one night. How was this possible? In an instant. I fought so fucking hard for him to be alive, doing everything I could to make him happy and well...yet it wasn't enough. I could not save him. I blamed myself. Today, I know it was not my fault. I can never save someone, I can only save myself. What I gave to him, I now give myself.
I came through the worst year of my life a better person. Not a lot of people can say that, but I honestly feel blessed. I know that the world works in mysterious ways and I will be fulfilled in a way that I never knew existed. Because I love me more than ever before. There is a reason why this happened. I had to go through what I did, to be the person I am today. And the person I will be for the rest of my life.
When I think back to this day a year ago, it's hard to put myself in the same shoes cause I feel so different. I cannot relate to the same emotions anymore. I remember everything vividly, yet I have a different connection. It's my past. It will shape my future, but I will not be defined any longer as the "griever." I am saddened, but I am not in mourning.
I am saying goodbye to Scott. I am closing the chapter of us. I am moving on...because I am ready.
I am me. I am happy and everyone has said "he would want you to be happy." Well everyone, I'm happy. Scott, I am happy.
The beginning (new blog coming soon solely dedicated to a new chapter and life)...