missing him

I've been in an intense emotional roller coaster since 9/11. Hence the hiatus from my blog. Sometimes the feelings are too personal and private to share.

I know the dates that are approaching are looming over my head. Whether I am thinking of them or not, they are coming. I cannot fast forward time, or I would've done that already. I have to face what is in front of me. I feel like I'm hurting people close to me because I'm pulling away, but this is how I know how to react to emotional pain. I want to be alone. I want to hide the pain so that no one can see how deeply it hurts. I don't reach out. I don't want to let on the pain I feel everyday. The loneliness. The incredible pain associated with missing Scott. And wondering how this is all really happening.

While I know this is my life, I sometimes cannot believe it's real. He's really gone. We are really not getting married. I will never wear that perfect dress I picked out for our day. He will never see me walk down the aisle. I wanted it all so badly. He was my best friend. He was my world. I hate knowing I can never confide in him again.

I am in this "phase" of my grief process where I am trying to hold on tight to whatever I have of Scott. It's all that seems normal as we near what would have been our wedding date (11/5/11). And all the dates thereafter. Thanksgiving. Hospital. Getting out. Christmas. Coming back to Chicago. Doctor appointments. Going back to work (me). Death. We weren't back two weeks and he was gone. GONE. I remember it so vividly. It used to feel so long ago, but now it feels like yesterday. That's how bad the pain is again.

I often hate blogging because when I write, I'm in pain. The pain is still there. When will it end? Will it ever end? Is there ever a day when I will get past this? I know the answer is yes, but some days it seems so far away. My life cannot be normal until I can let go of him. I cannot do that yet. I oftentimes try to pack up more of his stuff that I have and I simply can't. I don't want to erase him and I feel that by getting rid of some of the stupid things I have, will mean he's gone. I'm not there yet. I cannot say goodbye.

Sometimes I don't know if it's me that doesn't know how to ask for what I need or if grief doesn't allow you to know. I never truly know what I need. All I know is that I have to feel the pain, as awful as it is.

Remembering 9/11/01

Today is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11/01. I remember seeing the first plane hit as I was getting ready for one of my classes at Western, but had to rush out the door. I thought it was a freak accident. By the time that class was over, the second plane had hit and we were under a terrorist attack. All I could think about was Steve. I knew he lived very close to the Towers. I was in my second class and was trying to call him, and then classes were cancelled for the day and I finally got a hold of him when I went outside. It was music to my ears to hear his voice. He was okay.

I sat and stared at the TV for countless hours. Shocked that this was really happening.

As I sit here today, I never knew how much I would relate to those who lost loved ones. Your husband, wife, father, mother or friend all went to work that morning and you expected them to come home. You expected life. Yet it was taken away so abruptly and tragically. I know what this is like now and my heart is literally empty today for all of those who have experienced such loss.

Today is the first day I'm paying attention to the media coverage. I've been avoiding it. Like a 20 year old said during an interview, he lost his father on 9/11, "anniversaries don't mean anything because you still think of them everyday." He's right. It's still another day of the loss you felt the day before and will continue to experience the rest of your life.

Grieving doesn't appear to have an end.

vacation. self reflection.

I've been on vacation this week, but as of yesterday I'm really using this time to self-reflect. To think about what I want in life and who I am becoming. I am a changed person because of what this year has challenged me with. Challenge isn't a good word. I guess it's the path my life has taken. The reasons are becoming clearer to me. I will always believe that things happen for a reason. I think in a few years I will be able to believe the reasons, but right now I am just playing around with some thoughts.

I'm headed on a road trip today with my mom. We are going to pick up her kitten at 11am tomorrow in Pennsylvania. I know it might be a little hard on me because a little over a year ago, Scott and I were getting our kitten. It might've even been this same weekend, now that I think about it. And damn did his health decline once we got Jasper. But I will embrace this. I will find good out of this trip. There's a reason I'm going back there. Jasper has brought so much happiness to my life and I'm so excited for my mom to have her own special kitty to love her unconditionally, as Jasper loves me (or so he told me!).

It's only a 5 hour drive to the breeder's house and then I think another 4 or 5 to VA. The goal is to drive my mom's car back to VA...we just so happen to be getting a kitten (Edward Miles) along the way! Lots of pictures to come!

I want to slow-down, enjoy life and learn along the way. I will do this.