denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Sunday, April 24, 2011

the margarita tour begins (Blue Agave)

Saturday was the first of many, many fun margarita nights with Lauren. We are going to check out all kinds of mexican restaurants and rate the margaritas, chips & salsa.

We went to Blue Agave on Saturday. The chips and salsa were amazing, however the first frozen marg I ordered tasted like lime water, so our waitress (who we became besties with), told us the way to go is on the rocks. And she was right. Each marg had 2.5 shots of tequila!! That's a lot for my lil old body! Needless to say, Lauren and I were living it up. Laughing to the point of major stomach pain.

I love laughing like that. I could barely catch my breath it was so intense! After about 2 margs each we headed out for a walk. We were off to explore the bars on Division and we both had stomachaches from too much SALT so we thought a lil workout was in order.

We didn't make it far, before we got whisked into a bar called "Detention" because of my pink hair. They treated us like "VIPs" and gave us a "free shot." However, please note that NO ONE was in the bar except for one group of dudes having a bachelor party and then the wait staff. The free shot was kool-aid or cranberry juice because the manager did the shot with us...I mean there was no alcohol in there. haha. We stayed for all of 1 drink that Lauren and I shared, then LEFT. Pretty much ran out of there. The next bar we slipped into was sooo douchey. They were playing like cheesy wedding songs, "Celebrate good times..." and some other song. I hate that shit! I want to hear dance music at the bar, not stupid wedding/DJ songs! So we left there. And we tried to go to the Hangge Uppe, but there was a $5 cover so we said fuck that. We went to my place. We are so lame, it's great!

We tried to stop by Argo Tea, but it was after 11 and they were closed. So at my house we drank water to calm our stomachs from too much acid, tequila and salt!!!!! It was a really, really fun night. I cannot wait to explore more margarita establishments and friends are always welcome to join is on our adventure!

Also, pink hair really gets noticed out there. It was all the rage. I have to say, no one else had it. I never want to get rid of it because it's so rare and I think it's a great accessory and is a part of who I am now.

I woke up on Sunday, after sleeping 10 hours and am feeling great today. I thought I would have a very productive day, but not all the places I needed to go are open. So I went to PetSmart, Whole Foods and Walgreen's. I really needed Target, but nope. Closed for easter. The tanning place was closed too. BOO! Everyone was all dressed up on the streets today, except me. It was funny. It took me a minute to realize why everyone was wearing dresses. duh.

Overall, a fantastic weekend.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

carrying the weight of the world...

Today was a tough one.

While I prepared myself as best as I could to be "ready" to know the answer to Scott's death, you can never fully be ready to hear what I heard today. "Accidental" death. To me, this means it could've been avoided. That word is so harsh and sounds like an oxy-moron. It's so...preventable to me. Not that I can change anything and firmly believe that things happen for a reason, however, I am mostly pissed off at medical staff for overlooking this potential problem. I will put this into teaching others somehow. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I will do my best to save lives. Even if it's one person. Doctors and family members need to understand how dangerous heart disease and medications can be...especially if they are NOT looking at the overall health of the person, and only focusing on "their discipline." i.e. heart, stomach, mental, etc.  PAINT THE FULL PICTURE ASSHOLES!!!!

Today has been heavy. My mind is racing. It's telling me things that I don't want to listen to, like "you could've stopped this, you could've been more careful, you could've prevented this. If only"...however...

I KNOW that I could not have saved him. I KNOW I did all I could for him. However, the thoughts are still there. My thoughts are getting more rational as the day progresses, so I will take that as a good sign. I know he's not coming back. I know that he's where he's supposed to be. He's actually where he wants to be. Unfortunately, that's not what anyone wants to hear, but believe me when I say, he's okay with it.

It doesn't make the pain any less for those who loved him. And that I did. Very much. I have a big heart and it loves so unconditionally. I think he showed me how much I can love, which I am very thankful for. I wanted to be his everything, and I think I was. Actually, I know I was. While I could not save him, I have to have faith that I was in his life for a reason and purpose. I know he was brought into my life for many reasons. One of the many is, I have wonderful friends who I met through Scott. I thank my lucky stars everyday for those who are in my life because of him. He was great at reading people and only kept people in his life who were genuinely amazing, now these people are in my life forever.

I've truly accepted the fact that he's gone. I hope to find closure from the information I learned today. I still have a million questions running through my head. I have to be okay with the fact that I will never have all the answers. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot ask him how he died. That would be way too easy. His heart stopped. I'll take that as a sign he didn't struggle and it was quick. I would hate for him to suffer and now I am pretty confident that he didn't. Amen for that.

accidental death

I talked to ME today. It completely threw me off-guard because I was about to start a meeting, answered my phone, then realized who it was. So I excused the person out of my office and took the call.

There are two parts to his death. The final ruling is accidental. Part one is coronary atherosclerosis (artery blockage) and part two is drug levels (of some meds he was taking). The nortriptyline was a medication he was taking for depression at night.

When I first spoke to the ME, I didn't know what to say. What he was telling me lead me to believe he killed himself. Even though I checked all the medicines the day of his death and thought everything looked okay. I would've known if he took medications because I watched them, just to be sure. I called the ME back about an hour later with some questions.

1) Did his heart stop?
2) How many pills does the level equate to?

1) Yes, his heart stopped.
2) He cannot tell me this. I asked if maybe his body wasn't breaking down meds like a normal, healthy person and he said yes, it's very hard to say because of his current condition. He also said that the level in Scott's body was not a suicidal level. It was accidental. He also brought up hyper-thryroidism and this could contribute to his accelerated heart rate. WTF. I mean, can anyone become a doctor? Why is no one putting two and two together of ALL of our fucking hospital's so fucking outrageous that some doctors call themselves that.


I administered all his medications. I have no idea why the level in his body was a toxic level. I cannot help but think I somehow fucked up the meds I was giving him. I know I cannot think this way, but it has entered my mind since this all so fresh in my head. I don't remember giving him two doses that night. I vividly remember giving him one dose, and checking his blood pressure before he went to bed. Obviously my mind is racing.

I know I cannot go back and change anything. I seriously think that his body was just like "fuck you, I cannot do this anymore." He was so small, so sick and the medication dose just might've been too high. I looked up information on Nortriptyline and it's a medication that needs to be monitored to ensure you do not reach a toxic level. Would've been good to know. And also, if you do enter a toxic level, it's causes major cardiac issues...i.e. exactly what happened to Scott. So this, plus his heart disease, lead to his death.

He had another level of an anti-depressant in his body, but it was at a therapeutic level. He wasn't even taking this medication and had been off of it for probably like 4 weeks so I thought it was odd it was still in his body, but I have known this for a while now. This lead me to believe that his body must not have been getting rid of meds or something. I cannot play doctor, although I think I'm smarter than a lot of doctors out there about putting the pieces together, I can only move forward. I can only cherish the time we had and know that he's not suffering anymore.

That's all I got for now. I need therapy. I need to be okay with what I've learned today and right now I am okay, but not great. I'm glad to  know, but my mind really does keep racing with "how could this happen, what could I have done, did I kill him, etc. etc. etc."........

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

sleep deprived

I feel very sleep deprived today. While I slept good, I could not sleep anymore this morning. I woke up early and just decided to get up and start my day. I wish I could sleep like I used to...but I have a feeling that won't come for a while.

I also think I'm afraid to sleep. Afraid of what I might dream, afraid of what I might see. I need to work through this a bit in therapy. I don't see images of him anymore when I go to sleep. Well, I take that back,  I do have visuals sometimes of how I found him, but it's not as much as it used to be. Which I am thankful wasn't a good way to find someone you love.

Being this tired is like being hungover. At least, that's what it's like for me. I am foggy, can't think well. Feel sick to my stomach. It's intense. And just from ONE night of not sleeping enough, even though I slept. It's like I'm fighting with my sleep!! Stupid.


I feel very blessed today. Not in a religious way. But a fortunate way. I really have some amazing people in my life, who are so supportive and loving. A lot of these people are in Michigan, and I was so afraid to move back to Chicago in March, but I'm realizing that I can be okay here. Even though I have so many people I love in Michigan, I'm still keeping in touch and maintaining these friendships from Chicago. I was fearful that when I left MI, I would lose touch with everyone, but I haven't and they haven't allowed that to happen! Thankfully.
I cannot wait to explore Chicago and learn more about the neighborhoods (during the summer!). Art festivals, live music, good food, dancing, drinks, weird stores...I could go on and on. If only the weather would get a little warmer, I could start this process now! :) I also plan to blog about my experiences this summer so everyone can be a part of what I'm experiencing!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

a new day

I didn't go to work yesterday. When the sadness hits, I need to take care of it right away and allow myself to feel. Work is a good distraction at times, but not when I am that sad and confused. I'm at a good place and need to ensure I'm allowing the feelings to hit when they hit. I never want to run away from them, because that could be disaster later!

I feel great today. The bounceback was quicker than I'm used to. I'll take that as a good sign for now, until I know otherwise. It's cold, rainy and gross outside, but yet I still feel good. I thought I would only be happy on sunny days, however that's not true. Yes, the sunshine helps, but I can still be happy when it's "not so happy" looking outside!

I didn't sleep that great on my new mattress. I slept, and went to bed early, however I kept waking up. I hear a weird noise in this apartment at night. It's not coming from my apartment, but I can hear it. Weird.

Also just realized I owe the ME a call...

Monday, April 18, 2011

WARNING: This is an INTENSE post. Swearing, honest, raw emotion.

EDIT: Nothing happened to make me write this. There is not one situation where I needed to type this. It's just part of the process that I am going through. Yes, I am angry, but they are internal struggles. No one has upset me. :)

Well the baseball bat has hit me again. And fucking when it hits, it hits so hard. Since I was having so many good days consistently, this was bound to happen. It's inevitable. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I know that I am still grieving. I'm not "over it" and when the sadness hits, I MUST deal with it in order to get better. I sometimes wish I didn't have to, but I do. It's bad because you're on this great path of self-discovery and happiness, then all of a sudden you're hit with intense sadness. I miss Scott everyday, however there are days where I do feel happy on the path I'm on. Good will come of Scott's passing. Good comes from tragedy. Do I wish it were different, hell yeah, but it's not. This is my reality.

I did not feel happy last night. I felt all the guilt of the days leading up to yesterday where I was happy. I know I fucking deserve happiness. Everyone in my life should feel the same way.  Everyone said "Scott would want you to be happy." I never really understood that. I didn't know what he would want. We never talked about life after one of us died. How do you know? How am I supposed to know? I do know now. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter. It's my life now. He's not here with me. He cannot make decisions with me or be a part of that anymore. It's just me.

I have a fear of people judging me as I do move on this path of GRAYSON'S LIFE. Moving on meaning dating (yes, I am ready!), going out, smiling, really laughing from my heart again. Feeling good. Feeling like things happen for a reason. Here's what I have to say, NO ONE knows what I have been through. NO ONE. Not even my family. No one was here every single fucking day living my life while Scott was alive and sick. NO ONE knows what my relationship with Scott was like when he wasn't sick. NO ONE. No one knows what I am learning every single day about myself and what I need to be healthy again. No one is inside my head to feel what I feel. The only person who does is me. What I ask of people is that they trust me. Trust me to know that I will make my own decisions. If I fail, I will learn. If I succeed, I will continue to improve. I will not be fucking perfect. Neither is anyone else. There isn't a step by step guide telling me what to do. Not all grievers are the same. You follow your heart and trust that your heart will lead you down the path you need to be on. That's what I am doing and want people to respect that. This is where I will also help other grievers someday. When compassion and living outweighs the grief, you are on the path to move on. It's not a science. It's all based on emotion. No one will have the same time table after a tragic loss. NO ONE.

Here's what I fear the most. "It's only been 4 months since he passed, how can she move on?" Here's my answer. "Fuck you." It feels like it's been years to me. I was not functioning for 2 months after he passed. Literally not functioning. I was grieving before he even died. I will not go into detail, but this is NOT something I want to hear from anyone (read above another time if needed. lol.). I understand people being protective, without a doubt. I am protective. I will be protective of my heart. Know that I am taking care of that.

There is a second fear, but I will not disclose that yet. It's private. It's personal. The time will come when I am ready.

I apologize if anyone was offended reading this. However, it's my blog. It's my thoughts. It's my path. Yes that is a bit harsh, but welcome to my world of grieving.

Friday, April 15, 2011

pink hair

Here I am. Sitting at Argo Tea. Alone. And I have to say that it feels good. It’s good to be alone. It’s good to know that I can do this. Being alone can have such negative meaning, which in reality, it’s actually pretty powerful stuff. When you’re alone, your stuck getting to know yourself. There’s no one but you.

Being alone is part of my life now. By choice, not forced. I need this. Everyone needs this in my opinion. At first I was never comfortable being alone, but as I get used to it and grow more and more confident everyday, the more I’m starting to like it. I like it because I like me. I like the person that I am changing into.

Scott’s death has really made me examine myself. Not only am I self-aware, I am self-indulging. I am doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, but for some reason, have never done. I never allowed myself to truly be me for reasons I don’t know. I was so consumed by making Scott happy, I forgot how to make me happy sometimes.

It’s okay though. Cause I’m learning. I’m not stuck. I’m growing. I know where I’m headed and I love where that is.

I was in the bathroom at work the other day and laughed when I looked in the mirror. My hair is fucking bright pink. Who does that? I do. I am proud that I am who I am.  

I have always been vocal, confident and strong. But, now it’s a more powerful feeling. Now I am BRAVE. Knowing that I am allowing myself to be emotionally invested in me and that it’s okay.

Scott knew me, but I don’t think he ever realized how much of myself I lost somewhere in our relationship. I mean…I didn’t realize it.  As hard as it is to not be able to talk to him about it, I have to have faith that we were together for a reason. I want to believe that I gave him the best years of his life. I gave him all that I could give anyone and he knew that. For that, I am grateful. That makes me smile. 

As each day passes. I am getting more comfortable with me. I  know what I want. And I’m taking complete control of my life. Probably for the first time in 30 years.

Damn it feels good to have pink hair. 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

sleep deprived

I haven't written since tuesday morning! I will post tomorrow night when I have a little more sleep in me and can function a bit more. It's been a tough week for sleep. A lot of reasons are bringing that on and I hope to sleep tonight and tomorrow and saturday. lol. I need it really badly.

Monday, April 11, 2011

a really hard post....

Here I am, it's 1:15am and I cannot sleep. I have a lot on my mind, as usual.

I am in a better place emotionally, although as I'm typing this I am sobbing uncontrollably. I am ready to move on with my life. Grayson's life. This does not mean I am moving on "from Scott." This means that I am ready to embrace whatever life throws at me. I have learned so fucking much about myself over the last couple of months. I am very proud of what I've learned and how I will incorporate that into my daily life...forever.

Scott was in my life for a reason. He was in my life for a short amount of time compared to the average life span of a person but what's important is that now I know why he was in my life. He showed me love, he showed me my self-worth, he made me non-selfish, he helped turn me from a drunk to someone who cared deeply about others and he simply loved me for me. That is important. I have this to cherish.

Did we have the healthiest relationship? No. I don't know if anyone does, but I know I will take what I've learned and apply it to all my relationships. That is the piece of him that will live with me forever. I am forever changed.  While I hate that Scott's not here to talk to him about everything, I've said it before that he's where he wanted to be and now maybe I am starting to get where I should be going. It's so hard to say, but it's the truth. I promised myself as hard as some things are to say out loud, I would always be honest with myself and people reading this blog.

It's okay for me to feel this way. I do not feel guilty for wanting to move forward with my life. I used to, but not anymore. I am accepting what life has given me and making something of it. I am not the type of person who will sit in a room by myself and have Scott consume my every thought. I would never get better. I would never heal. I did not die the day he died. I am alive. I am living and I want to be here. I want to be happy. I think I deserve that. I think that Scott would want that. I hope everyone in my life wants that for me and if they don't, they can get out of my life. It's as simple as that.

This process truly allows you to see who your friends are and who they aren't. I love my friends. I don't need to name names, but I hope you're reading this and smiling. As hard as it was for me to post, it might be hard for you to read, however know that what I'm feeling is real. I am not healed, I will still have low days, but the good is outweighing the bad, which hasn't happened for a very long time.

I will not spend each day worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing because I often times put too much pressure on myself. I will simply live my life and take it one day at a time. That's where I am now and it feels good to know how far I've come. I can visibly see the light in the tunnel and it gets closer and closer every day. Closer to what, I don't you come out of the tunnel, I don't know, but I guess we shall see.

Saturday, April 9, 2011


I was up at the bowling alley tonight and was telling the story of seeing 3 WRXs on my way to my moms on Friday.

It's weird. I saw a blue WRX on the other side of the freeway (going the opposite way), and didn't think much about it. Then I saw a blue STI and was like, "weird, I never see these cars." I told myself that if I see another one, it's a sign. And what do you know, I see a black WRX. This is all within 10 minutes on the freeway.

I am not sure what it's a sign of, but I think it's a sign. Maybe I'll figure it out, maybe I won't.

The significance is that this was the car that Scott drove, a blue WRX STI. And he loved it. It was definitely his second child.


Okay, so it's amazing what sleep can do for me. I slept like a rock last night. Finally! I was purely exhausted from my unusually "social" week. I had a lot going on at night, which was great, but my sleep suffered. I will have to find the right balance of being social during the week, while still getting the sleep I need. Learning as we go, people!

I feel good today. Actually, I feel great. When I woke up, I didn't have my usual stomach pains or a foggy mind. I had a clear mind and was excited for my day of appointments (hair, nails).

I miss Scott. There isn't a day that passes where I don't think of him, but I also am starting to feel good in my own skin. It's all about me at the moment. And I think that's okay. It's weird to be "selfish," but I definitely think it's required to continue upward in this journey. I know that I will still have hard days ahead of me, but I honestly feel that the worst is behind me and that each day I will continue to get stronger and more functional.

I did find out that one of my friends, who I met through Scott, suffered a heart attack last night. I'm glad to report he is in stable condition, but still it's hard. Scott's circle of friends don't need to be put through all this time and time again. They are good people and it's so hard to understand why this stuff happens. We all need a break.

I'll be heading up to Taylor Lanes tonight to hang out with everyone, so I look forward to seeing my friends and hugging those who I haven't seen in a long time. It feels good to be surrounded by love.

Friday, April 8, 2011

pink hair and good friends

I am so looking forward to tomorrow. I am getting my hair cut, highlighted and some pink added in. I cannot wait to see what it looks like! I have the best hairdresser in MI!! And my hair got so long so fast cause it was so short, cannot wait to get some of this chopped off!!

It's fun to be excited about something and tomorrow I have two things. Hair and hanging out with dear friends up at Taylor Lanes. I feel so loved when I am around these people. It's an amazing feeling. I love it!!

(I basically wanted to update to use my mom's new macbook air).

Yay for friends and changing my look...yet again. It's what I like to do. Constant isn't so constant anymore...used to be one of my favorite lyrics by The Get Up Kids. I need to find that CD!

I see the light

I didn't think I would ever get out of this tunnel, I am happy to say that I do see glimmers of light about my future. I understand that everyday will have it's challenges, I also fully understand that I will be okay.
My grieving process started in November, because by this time, I thought I had really lost my Scott. I remember having him, as himself, in July. I feel like it all went downhill from there. It's painful how it all happened so fast, but as I think through 2010, I think there were signs as early as January that his health was declining. I can't go back and change anything. I cannot beat myself up about what I've pieced together between his death and now. I can only know and hope and he is okay now.

The focus has to come back to myself and I need to make sure that I am okay. It's very hard for me to do so. I get so caught up in helping others (just in general) that I can easily lose track of me. I will work on this and continue to do so, as long as it takes. My natural instinct to help and be a caretaker is a quality that I admire in myself, however finding the right balance is where I struggle.

I'm so happy that I have a therapist who will help me and who supports me. It makes this process a little bit more manageable to know that I'm doing well and I'm human and I'm ALIVE.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

walking a tight rope

Lately I've been feeling a balancing act of emotions. Similar to walking on a tight rope, spinning glass plates. There is something always on my mind that I have to balance with everything else. For example, Scott's memory and knowing that he's gone, with knowing I need to function at work. It's really hard. Balancing grief and life is very, very challenging. How do you get good at it?

I tell myself that I need to focus on what I can focus on and that's it. I cannot predict the future. I can only live in the "now." This is what I must focus on. Each day at at a time. I think I'm finally at the point where I am living "day by day." Before it felt more like hour by hour, but today I know I'm healing. Healing the way I should be healing, and also living my life.

I still cannot answer the question "what would Scott want you to do."

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

getting out

Since I woke up at 6am, for no good reason, I am sitting here, ready to go to work and it's not even 8am. Call me crazy? You would think that I NEED sleep, but my body wakes up and I cannot fall back to sleep. It's annoying.

Last night I went to see 'The Mountain Goats' with a friend and her co-worker. I had never heard of this band, but it didn't really matter. What mattered was that I was going. It was a Tuesday night and why not? This is part of who I need to become for myself. I need to develop these relationships and go out and enjoy what the city has to offer! Before the band started, I was laughing so hard, that my abs hurt. That is when you know you are healing. You can laugh, a real laugh. You can enjoy friends without feeling like the "downer." I had a great time and am proud of myself for going. I needed that yesterday.

I do feel as though I'm on a good path to recovery and I'm sure I can contribute it to many things. I like smiling a real smile and laughing a real laugh. It helps me heal, as well as the sunshine. I'm starting to realize that my life is moving in the right direction. Three months ago, I had no idea what to expect. I couldn't see the light in the tunnel, now I am catching glimpses, and I am liking what I'm seeing.

I've always said that "good comes from tragedy." I've learned a lot about myself, I've learned a lot about my friends. I've learned that Scott was loved by so many amazing people and I'm so glad that they have ALL made me a big part of their life. It's amazing and warms my heart. There are a lot of special people in my world right now and I look forward to a lot of new memories, knowing that in some instances, Scott is the reason they are in my life. It shows that he had an amazing gift of only keeping people in his life that were genuine. I love that.

I thank Scott everyday for the power his friends are playing in my recovery. I miss him. I still haven't quite gotten a grasp on "why me," but I know that I will someday understand the reason why Scott was in my life. My instinct is that he showed me how to love, how to be in a relationships where it was rooted in love and everything else was just a bonus.

I am starting to truly understand that he is gone. The denial that I felt before it's starting to go away. It's almost like a shift is happening in my mind. While I still do not feel I function normally, as each day goes by, I hope to get better. I've had some good and bad moments this week and hopefully I will continue upward in my journey.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


So this morning I woke up really early. Maybe it was because the sun was shining so bright in my room that I had to get up, or maybe it's because Jasper was using me as a playground. Whatever it was, I was up, and happy to know that the sun was out. The sun helps heal. It truly does, for me.

When I stepped foot outside my buildings front door, I see "Champagne of Beers" plastered on the side of a delivery truck. Is this a sign? I figure if I slow down and look around me, I will see signs from Scott. He introduced me to this beer at Taylor Lanes, where we spent many Friday nights. I smiled. Maybe he is subtly showing me that he's okay, or maybe I'm starting to understand that I will be okay.

Regardless of what it is, I will take all the signs I can get.

Monday, April 4, 2011

no news is not good news

I called the ME today, but left a voicemail letting him know to call me only when he has resolution on Scott's death. I am ready to know. It will help me in this process if I know and it's not delayed any longer. I once thought that I didn't want to know, but now I know that it's time.

I thought a lot today about how far I've come. And what many don't know is that I have been grieving even before Scott died. I can honestly say that I didn't have my Scott since July/August. It's been that long. Almost a year. I am so thankful of the last night we spent together. My therapist said that your body can naturally "wake up" from being comatose before you die. Weird. I need to research that. So maybe that's what happened on that Saturday night. He seemed like him again. My hopes were up, but we all know what happened.

As I was walking home from therapy, it hit me that I know that I've come a long way from where I was and I will continue to keep moving forward. I am honest with myself and very self-aware of the fact that I need to take care of myself first and foremost and focus on developing really great friendships, which I have started. It's so hard for me to pick up the phone and say "I need you to come over because I am so alone." But this step, will help me. It will allow me to know that I have friends who are there for me. It might be uncomfortable, but it's a step I must learn and learn to do well.

His memories are starting to make me smile, as opposed to making me angry or sad. I like hearing others tell me about their memories of Scott. That's how he keeps living, through talking about him and keeping our memories of him alive.

My therapist made a good point today. She said "when you're married and have kids, you will still miss him." That hit home. I will always miss him, regardless of where life takes me and that's okay. My life will move on, it already has. I'm alive. I'm in my own place.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

horoscope. whoa.

Normally I'm not really into my horoscope, I read it here and there, but lately it's been so right on. Here it is for today (take note the last sentence, i.e. rock climbing):

Setting ambitious goals isn't enough; you must be prepared to make your move today in order to put your good intentions into motion. It would be a shame to waste this powerful moment of initiation without taking direct action since the enterprising Aries New Moon falls in your 10th House of Career. Don't worry about what you accomplish or how far along the path you actually travel. Remember, the first step is the most important one

climbing through fear

Today I embarked on a new adventure. Rock climbing. I was very nervous at first, then scared once I actually knew it was up to me to lift my leg and start climbing. The first climb was very hard. I get weak knees with heights so that was holding me back at first. But each climb got a little better, although my arm muscles are nowhere near where they need to be. You get to a point where you literally don't know what to do and it's all in your hands. Once your hand strength is gone, you're off the wall. Literally. I'm so glad that I did it. I've always thought about it, and I can honestly say it felt really good. I will certainly do it again and will work on my strength so that next time, I'm in better shape and know what to expect.

I'm thankful that I have a friend who wants to try new things and push me outside my normal physical exercise of cardio and some weight lifting. It's all so exciting and a great way to start off my new chapter in life.

I wish Scott could've seen me doing this. He would've loved to know that I did it. I did something that I've never done and he would've been so supportive. It's really tough because he was my best friend. Not only am I missing his love, I miss my best friend. My companion and partner in crime. I had to come home to my apartment, not his. He's not here. He's never been here. It was the first time I came back to my new apartment by myself. It's all part of the journey and sometimes the smallest things are so hard. Today was one of those days.

The dreaded ME call is this week. It's been two weeks. I really hope to have some resolution on his death. I often think, am I ready for this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I want to know how he died and no because then it will be permanent. A done deal. Done. What do you do with what you know? I think it will hit me when I know more. I do not want to assume anything, until I hear it from the ME's mouth. This is the week. Please don't make me wait another two weeks. I've waited long enough.

I'm in a rut right now. I can't put my finger on it. I feel accomplished with what I did today, however I feel so sad and so alone.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

oh yeah...cabo

My trip to Cabo has been booked. So excited. I've wanted a vacation and needed a vacation, even before Scott's death, so now I'm glad it's finally been booked. My mom, sister and I will go to Cabo and completely lose ourselves to the beach, pool and virgin-drinks at all-inclusive resort. We even get beach beds and afternoon tea, if you want it. I'm mostly excited for a swim up bar, where my sister and I will order really fru-fru drinks, but skip the alcohol. I want a happy vacation and alcohol can be a depressant.

I bought THREE, yes THREE bathing suits today. They were all just so perfect. I am so excited to wear them and just do nothing but live in a bathing suit and read, read, read! Read in bed, read at the pool, read on the beach, read in hammocks, read wherever! Listen to music, eat great food and most importantly be with my mom and sister and try to heal. I know this isn't a "cure-all" by any means, but at least I can escape my day to day and enjoy some sunshine and much needed heat!

That is all.

welcome home

Jasper's new place to hang. He got up here by jumping from the counter to the top of the fridge and after dinner, that's where we found him. He loves being up high. Such a cutie.
Scott had this painting done for me by a good friend (thanks, B!!!) and it will now welcome everyone who enters my home. It has significant meaning and I want everyone to see it right when  you walk in. It will introduce ME!!!! to everyone. This is my house, and a start to my new chapter.

moving: day two and three

So yesterday was a really rough day. I had tried my best to prepare myself for this move. Knowing I was moving because Scott died was very hard for me to grasp. And still is. The movers were expected to be here from 12-4, they ended up showing up at 8:15 and my door attendant almost did not allow them to move me because it was too late, however I was able to do so, knowing I was only moving down the hall.

When she initially told me this, I had an epic of all epic breakdowns. I handed my phone to my mom, because she had to get it "approved" and walked into the bedroom, profusely crying. I had so much emotion behind that explosion. That's exactly what it was. Why am I moving? This fucking sucks? Why me? Why Scott? I hate the fucking world for putting me on this path sometimes. I wanted to get out of my own skin. I wanted to scream, to run away and never look back. To storm out of the apartment and say fuck it, I cannot do this.

But, I didn't. I was extremely close. Extremely. I found the strength to get through it. The move was quick once they arrived, 30 minutes max. I kept going over to the old place to say goodbye and held onto the keys until this morning. Today was the final goodbye. Not to Scott, but to our memories there. To a place that I hated and loved all at the same time, because he was alive.

I couldn't sleep once the movers were done. I was wide awake. So I worked. I worked on unpacking and reorganizing until really late. My mom stayed up with me, because she knew how hard it was for me. She wanted to be there and knew that I needed her.

Today was a new day. I'm in my own place. It's weird. It's sad. It's happy. It's a lot of things. I've been exhausted all day. I think the emotions that I felt so deeply yesterday really made me tired today. I don't know.

I do know that I love my bedroom. I didn't sleep in there last night cause my friend Steve needed to go to bed early cause he was leaving here at 6am, so he needed sleep! Tonight will be my first night in the bed. It's not my new bed yet, but it's a new room, new look/style. I like being in there. I think I will continue to add fun decor here and there.

While you've never set foot in this place, Scott, know that I will always keep you close to my heart.