denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Thursday, March 31, 2011

when it hits, it hits

I sometimes have these moments where I think of all the things Scott will never get to do, see or try anymore. He'll never eat steak again, he'll never hear the Beatles, he'll never go to a concert, he'll never try a new restaurant, etc. etc. It can be so overwhelming. That's what happened at dinner tonight. Along with having a hard day of moving, I was just sitting there and looking around thinking "he will never see the inside of this place." It is all so sad. It hurts. The pain hasn't seem to have let up. It's almost like it's always there, but I can function better than I could last month. I don't want to have an underlying sadness the rest of my life.

I hope that's not the case, but if it is, then that's what it'll be. I cannot change anything. I just want to keep doing what I'm doing and I want time to pass by quickly. Although I've heard the "time-table" associated with grieving and it's a long process. I told my sister once that I wanted to sleep for two years and then be woken up...but she said, that would only delay the process by 2 years, which is right. I have to continue to live my life, day by day, breath by breath, and continue to have faith that I will get through this.

I'm thankful my mom and Steve are here to help me move. It might all hit me on Sunday when Mom leaves, but I will also be busy rock climbing. Hopefully that exhausts me and I will sleep like a baby. Wishful thinking...maybe. Anyways, the moral of the story is that you just never know when the sadness and pain will hit. While there is a constant sadness it's not like it was 2 months ago, when it does hit me hard, it's really hard. I feel myself just going into this dark place and getting really quiet. The tears come, then I feel like a moron for crying in a public restaurant, but I know that I cannot stop the tears. I don't want to stop the tears, otherwise I am stopping the emotion, which is not healthy.

AND, thank you to those who reached out to help me move. I greatly appreciate your offers and generosity. You know who you all are :) While I don't need help moving this time, I expect you ALL to come visit me at my new place to fill it with fun memories!!!!

moving: day one

The day is here. Knowing that I am moving from the place where Scott and I lived to a smaller one bedroom. It's really fucked up in a way. I'm moving because he died. Scott and I had agreed to stay here one more year while his health got better, although it would literally cost an arm and a leg. It's what I did for him, anything that I could. If I could take one less stress from him I would, and I did. I'm happy to know that I did that for him. He needed it. He worried about enough and I tried to take on as much as I could. Which might not have been the healthiest approach for me, but it's the truth. In due time, I will be forced to take care of myself and will learn how to balance my needs with the needs of others.

I'm mixed emotions today. I feel sad, but other times I'm so busy, that I don't feel anything. I just unloaded a lot of art and music books that I elected to keep to put on display. They make me smile because in a lot of instances I remember buying the books with Scott, however some are older and I look forward to reading them. He wasn't into reading, he was a picture guy. So I now have a lot of pretty picture books :)

I didn't realize how much shit I actually had. Here I was, all these years telling Scott he had a lot of shit. Well we both did. I'm trying to get rid of a lot. Like clothes. I have literally gone through my clothes 4 times leading up to today and there is still too much. Why do I need all this stuff??? So I'm getting rid of even more. It's hard for me to part ways with clothes. I always think "oh maybe I'll wear it next year." Not the case. I got rid of it!

My new apartment also has less storage so that has been a chore, just making sure everything has a home (bathroom stuff, laundry stuff, cleaning supplies, lightbulbs, etc.). I like everything to have a home and be tucked away out of site, but I think I did it! haha. I still have some boxes to unpack so who knows where that stuff will go.

Alright, well I wanted to post to get some emotions out. I'm not really thinking today. I'm just doing. Tomorrow will be harder, I know that for a fact. I will miss the memories we shared in our apartment. But, I think the new place will help me to start focusing on me for a change.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Just had to share this. Jasper was taking a bath in the sink, getting ready for Mammaw (my mom) to get here. She LOVES Jasper.

He's my little angel.


So today I got the keys to my new place. Today I feel good about moving. I know it will all set in probably on Friday when I'm officially out of my old apartment. An apartment filled with extremely wonderful, powerful memories and an apartment filled with bad memories.

I am looking forward to new surroundings and a different feel/look to my current place. Yes, I will have the same furniture, but plan to decorate differently and reposition the couches into different positions so it's a different perspective from when Scott and I lived in a one bedroom at this building (it's the same layout).

I will always hold onto the the artwork that Scott and I got together over the years as a reminder of him. And a reminder of his passion for art and creativity.

My bedroom will be a whole new space. Lots of zebra print, magenta, mirrored objects, and contemporary/modern flair that will truly make the space my own. I had always wanted to make a room "my style" but I just never got around to it, and I'm glad that I'm able to embrace this opportunity.

Since I'm moving, I'm not sure how often I will blog, so I might be on a short hiatus..not sure yet :)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

helping others, helping me

Horoscope from yesterday was truly on-point:
You are in a stressful phase now and you may be feeling the pressure to choose between your home and your career. However, any lack of support you are feeling from the people in your life will slowly and surely force you to go through your own metamorphosis. Try not to go overboard; letting go of old habits is required before you can begin to develop healthier new ones.

I received the most amazing email yesterday. This person said "Scott sounds like an incredible man and though it sounds crazy to say, be glad a piece of you is missing -- that means he took it with him." I had never thought about it this way. It's intense, but it's the truth. Why I feel so wounded was because of the love that Scott and I shared. He will always have a piece of me and I will always have a piece of him. Loved this. It gave me a new perspective in this grieving process.

This person I speak of has also suffered severe loss and my blog helped her yesterday. It was so refreshing to know that I am helping others who are grieving. This gave me even more drive to want to help people who are grieving. To let others know that they are not alone, people are out there to help and I will make it my mission to be an advocate for other people who are suffering a loss. I cried tears of joy for the first time since Scott's passing.

So a special thank you to this person :)

And thank you to all of those who are reading my blog. I write from my heart, with no filter. I don't have much of a filter anyways, but this blog allows me to describe the intense feelings of my journey.

Monday, March 28, 2011

a black soul

I had a dream one night that Scott's soul literally came out from underneath me where I was sleeping. Where he died. The important piece of information is that the soul was black. I couldn't make sense of what this meant. Did it mean that I was letting him go? Did it mean that I hate sleeping in a place where he died?

I couldn't figure it out, until today in therapy. The black soul represents all the anger I have toward Scott for leaving me. Leaving me to live my life without him. Typically souls are beautiful and I remember very vividly that this was black. It was scary, it was dark.  I hope I was releasing my anger and that was a sign that I am no longer angry at him.

I want to find peace in him being gone. I would always lay in bed while he was still alive and say, "give me his pain. I can handle it way better than him." And, here we are. I am the one in pain, and he's at peace, or where he needs to be. He's where he's wanted to be, as hard as that is for me to say out loud.

Would I bring him back if I could and continue to see him suffer? No. I wouldn't. Call me cruel, call me whatever you want, but I know in my heart he's where he wants to be. No one saw him as sick as I did. No one has visions of him weighing less than 100 pounds, helping him use the bathroom and getting him out of the bath, or fainting when he got up. No one saw what I saw. It was ugly. It was heart breaking.

Should he have died from this? No. And knowing he was getting better, it's still a huge fucking shock.

I struggle with if he knew he was dying. I wish we could've talked about it more. I don't know what I think anymore. He told me he wanted to get better. He was getting better on some days. But deep down, I don't know if he was just going through the motions or what. I will never know. I just know that what I witnessed was extremely hard on both me and him. He is no longer in pain or suffering, and I always said that I would rather it be me. I was always the stronger one.

As much as I hate how I feel, I'm glad he's not sick anymore. I miss him. The real him. Not the sick him. I miss his love. I loved him more than anything in this world. A love that I never knew existed.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

getting used to this. weird.

It's really fucked up that I am getting used to this feeling. Used to feeling alone and on an island. Used to knowing that the void I feel will be there for a while. I guess I am coming to terms with grieving. I didn't know it was possible, but plan to talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

I don't like this feeling. You cannot  compete with it or make it go away. So I guess you embrace it? I mean you have no choice.

I saw my new apartment today, which has me super excited about moving. What I am not excited for is the constant reminder that I don't have Scott around to help with certain things, like hooking up the PS3 or the wireless router. There are things I don't  know that I will be forced to learn. It's almost like I want to rebel against those things because that was HIS job,  not mine. Now it's mine.

I find myself talking to him at my apartment lately. Saying "where are you?" and other things. It's weird. I don't expect him to talk back or anything. If he did, um, that would freak me out. I  know he's gone.

I'm bored. Yet I don't know what to do. Nothing seems interesting. Maybe I've done too much this weekend with packing and cleaning. I feel that's all I do, but it's the homestretch. Part of me gets so mad that I am moving, because of WHY I am moving. It's all so fucked up, fucked up, fucked up!

what I read at Scott's funeral

I wrote this a couple of days before I knew I had to see my baby again, but this time, instead of a corpse, I would be looking at a "pretend" version of the normal Scott. Nothing could prepare me for him laying in a casket, other than at least he would look more normal than the way I found him in my apartment. One of the most difficult speeches I will ever give in my life. I will never have a fear of speaking in a large crowd again. I got through it, with my needed breaks and deep breaths...damn I miss him.

My dearest Scott,

First and foremost I love you and will always love you. You and I are one and there will always be a piece of me that is missing now that you're gone. That's how we were, we did everything together and hated to be apart. You were more than my fiance, you were my best friend. The love we have is so rare and I will cherish what we have forever in my heat, mind and body.

You are an amazing, gentle and often-times quiet person, unless you were telling me about a new pair of shoes, car parts, music, Cubs or artwork. you have a huge heart and taught me how to be a better person simply by showing me what true love is. You changed me for the better and I am now stronger than I was when we fist met. I will always have that.

Your life was taken away too soon. We went through so much the past six months with you being so sick. We fought it together and did everything we could. And just when it seemed things were getting better, you were taken from me. I will forever be grateful that we had such a wonderful and special night on Saturday.

I wish we could still do all the things we talked about doing together. We just spoke last week about me learning to drive your car. We tried once, but as you know, I was sweating profusely because I was scared I would hurt your prized possession. We talked about me trying on Brian's car this summer then starting to learn how to handle your high performance clutch. I promise you that I will learn. I will learn for you...because I love you and because it will be another little piece of you that will be with me forever.

I am so glad we have Jasper (our kitten) together. You always told me you could tell how much I love him by the look on my face when I hold him. I will take good care of him and he will keep your memory alive for me.

One of the most endearing qualities you have is being a great father to Chaz. I promise to make sure you're still a piece of Chaz and will always be a part of his life because I know that is what you would want. Chaz, your Dad loved you more than anything in this world and would do anything for you so I promise to continue doing whatever you need. I love you.

Thank you for giving me the best years and days of my life, Scott. I wish I could give you one more kiss...hold you one more time. I miss you with every breath I take. I love you, pumpkin.

I wanted to say thank you to all those who have shown their love and support for Scott. Scott wasn't afraid of dying, but he was worried about what would happen to me and Chaz. I know through the amazing friends and family of both Scott and me, that we will be okay. Please stay in our lives and help keep his memory alive.

Scott's tattoo that we got in LA one year said "Fallen Angel." He has fallen, but he has risen up to. He is in a place with no worries, pain or suffering and for that I am grateful. As much as I need him, I need the peace of knowing that he's in a better place.

I know my life has forever changed, but Scott is at of pain and with John, his good friend who passed a year and a half ago. I hope they have a blast together and look down on us and help get us through the pain of our loss.

Thank you. I love you all.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

let's talk about grief

The definition: keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret

hmm...that does not even begin to define grief for me. Not even close. Here lies the problem. There is a huge opportunity to define grief on a much greater level. I have not met anyone who has gone through what I'm going through (young widow is how I define myself), but I know there are people out there. 40% of all deaths in the United States are sudden. People ARE out there.

No one really knows what to do or say and that's okay. I don't know what to do or say sometimes. But the truth is that it all sucks. I would rather someone say, "I'm sorry Grayson, this sucks," instead of, "how was your weekend?" This is where the education part comes in, which I plan to do. It's very important.

I have an idea. I am going to be an advocate for grievers and friends/family of those grieving, when I'm ready. There is more to this, but I will keep it private for now. I do know there is a huge opportunity for change, and I plan to lead the charge and make that change. <insert Michael Jackson song here>

Grievers will not ask for help (well some might, but not a lot). I will not call someone and say I need this or that. It's the honest truth. Grievers don't know what they need, so how will they know when to reach out? I've struggled with this. I know people are out there, ready for whatever I might need, but I haven't asked for anything. No one can truly deliver what I need...Scott.

It's important for friends and family to enter and push themselves into my life, knowing that I will rarely come to them.

it just doesn't feel right sometimes

Today I have been on autopilot for a majority of the day. I woke up, went to starbucks, had a moment of silence for Scott, then got to work. I have packed so much stuff today. You don't realize how much you really have to do. I got a lot done, on top of that, I cleaned. Cleaned everything I could. And I find myself wondering am I trying to clean him out of this apartment. It hurts so bad. Alive, then dead.

I went through the final bag of clothes that I had found stored in a computer box. I want to hang onto everything, I feel like a bad person for donating his stuff. HIS stuff. Even though he never wore this shit, except when he had to dress "business casual" at Bally...there's no sentimental value to it, other than it was HIS. I miss him so much. There is so much guilt associated with getting rid of anything. He saved everything, whereas I liked to throw out/donate regularly.

It's so fucking hard. SOOO fucking hard. I wish I could explain it. I want him back so I can ask him if it's okay that I am getting rid of some of this stuff that he never wore. Is he mad at me? I feel so mad at him sometimes cause he left me. Left me without telling me he loved me. Left me with no goodbye. Left me wondering so much about life. I have so many questions for him that will never get answered and I hate that. I miss you baby.

Friday, March 25, 2011

a great night, with a great friend

It's amazing what friends can do for you. Tonight I hung out with an amazing person. A person that will forever be in my life. I always knew we had a special relationship, but tonight just reinforced that feeling. I am so thankful. I will have many more nights like tonight, and I look forward to it.

We shopped a little, then she cooked me dinner. I loved being at her house and hanging out with her husband. While I was nervous to be away from my "5-block radius" near my house, I was totally okay. I was okay because I wanted to be there and because I knew I was in great company.

Again, I got out of my comfort zone and for that I am so grateful. It's an amazing feeling to know that I CAN do this and I WILL do this with the support of my family and friends. We will get through this together.

She is so aware of my every move. She knows when I am upset before it even sets in. It's an amazing bond. Truly amazing. We were meant to be connected the day we met and we spoke about that tonight. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and that's how our friendship started, because we worked together. And now it's so much more. We are opposites on the outside (except beauty...hehe), but so much alike on the inside. Know that I love you and am so grateful to have you in my life. I look forward to many, many more fun nights ahead.

Much love KVO.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


I was raised very Christian. Church of Christ actually. Church three times a week, twice on Sunday and once on Wednesday. We eventually stopped going to church and as I entered into adulthood, I slowly moved away from any religious beliefs. I am agnostic. Not sure what I believe. I sometimes feel I border on the line of atheist as well, if I'm being honest.

So knowing what I know about religion, which is a lot, I don't understand heaven. Do I believe in heaven? No. But I know what I was taught to believe but now that I've had a tragic loss, I REALLY question heaven.

Why would heaven be a place of love, happiness and no worry, when the person dead would have to look down upon those who are grieving? If there was a heaven and Scott saw me like this, he would be miserable. There's no way around it. He hated seeing me sad. He always held me when I was crying or had a bad day. So how do you answer that? I need to talk to a preacher or something for the answer. I do wonder what someone would say. Feel free to comment.

This post is not meant to bash any religion. I respect all and do not judge what you believe in and I expect the same in return :)

the waves

Since I have had some bad nights this week, it's only natural in MY grieving roller coaster that I have a good night and tonight was that night. I have felt good tonight. Comfortable being alone. Comfortable in my own skin.

I worked out, which could've helped too. I often think that good days are just the reflection of the days before. Because I am so sad and the pain is so great that anything will feel better than that. Almost like a rainbow after the storm. It's just natural for my process.

Today is a day where I know I can get through this. I take advantage of days like today, because I know they are not going to last forever...well eventually the pain will lessen but not for a long time.

I woke up in a funk today though. I had a really fucked up dream. It was in between one of my snooze sessions of 9 minutes of sleep. I was laying in bed, asleep and Scott's body or soul crept either out from under me or out of me. I followed him to the door to our bedroom and that's all I remember. I think I might've said something, but I was so confused. When I woke up, I was so thankful it was a dream. It was really creepy. I sleep in the same spot where he died. Yes, it's true.

I plan to get a new mattress very soon. I think that will help. I'm not freaked out by sleeping where he died, but if I think about it all the time, I do get really emotional. He was my baby and knowing that was the last place he was is really hard. It will be good to get a new bed, and also hard because that is technically my last memory of him being alive, when I tucked him in the night before.

So I will continue on my high, as long as it lasts. Typically two days, then back to my low again. You just never know, which is why grieving sucks.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

outside my comfort zone

So in talking to my friend Brian tonight, here's a list of all the things we have lined up:

1. Rock climbing
2. Help sell his car (he is in the process of buying Scott's car, which warms my heart)
3. Clean his house (if needed. hehe)
4. Decorate his new apartment
5. Help consult with his new biz idea
6. Mountain biking
7. Learn to drive a manual transmission (I owe it to Scott to learn on B's car and Scott's car (see below))

#1, #6 and #7 are going to really push me outside my comfort zone, which I am really looking forward to. I look forward to accomplishing all these things. While it's scary, it's also exciting. I want to know that I can climb a wall and then climb a harder wall and continue to challenge myself. Same with Mountain Biking. B is definitely already heavily involved in this sport and I'm looking forward to him teaching me the ways. Yes, there will be bumps and bruises, but I know I'm tough and what a wonderful way to get in touch with nature and let my mind free.

Tonight started as a bad night, but turned into a good one. I made a list of "to dos" and also had a great conversation with my brother who lives in San Fran. We had lost touch, but we're on the road to fixing our relationship and that means the world to me. We are family and family matters so much.

I always have said, good will come from tragedy and it's starting to happen.

defining lonely

I wanted to say thank you for all of those who are reading this blog, whether you are friends, family or people I have never met. I appreciate your kind words and support about this blog. It means a lot to me.

I want to clarify the loneliness I feel. I know that I have family and close friends who are there for me for support, to listen and to hold me while I cry.

The loneliness I feel everyday is a void that is in my heart that no family member or friend can ever fill. It's a huge emptiness and quite frankly, I do not have words to describe it. It's so dark. It's like being homesick times a million, but knowing that you'll never be "home" to make the feeling go away. That's the best way I can describe the feeling...

shaky hands

I went to Whole Foods after work and realized that maybe I'm hiding some feelings. My hands are really shaky right now, which could be my anxiety. It's amazing what triggers anxiety throughout this process. Scott and I would go to Whole Foods on Friday night as a "treat" to get something to eat that night. If I were to guess, I think that triggered some feelings of loneliness. I am here alone. I have to do things on my own. I am only buying for one. I am no longer buying for two. I'm so glad that I never held back on giving to Scott, whether that was love and care or presents.

Scott loved presents so much and I loved giving him whatever he wanted, if I could afford it. Everyday was MY present from Scott, I now realize. He was such an incredible person and it just makes the hole in my heart so much greater. If he were a bad person or treated me like shit, maybe this would be easier. It's so hard because he loved me so much and now I don't have that. I don't have the feeling of comfort and support the way I did with him.

I feel like I'm alone on an island sometimes. Just me, with no one listening, or no one to relate to. I want to tell him about my day. I want to ask him stupid questions about the internet wireless router, about which macbook to get, about everything. I feel like there was so much more for him to teach me and to learn about one another and I'll never get that opportunity.

I realize I am  hiding my feelings from myself. I don't know how not to do this. It is part of the transition of entering the world again. I need to get better. I need to listen to me and my needs. It has been really hard since being back at work.  I find that I bring humor instead of my pain. I would rather laugh sometimes than cry, and I think that's okay. In moderation I guess.

There is one thing that I am happy about today, that Scott will never be sick again. He will never have to wonder why he was getting sick. He will never have to worry. But for those that are left behind, we still have to go through life, even though I feel like I have no more life in me.

My hands have stopped shaking.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

the shirt on my back

I often still speak of Scott as if he were still alive. My therapist says that I am still in denial at times that he's gone. While I do not do it often, it does happen. You sometimes think that he's going to call or he's in the bathroom, just like normal. It doesn't happen to me a lot, but it does happen and it's always a weird feeling. I find myself saying "oh yeah, he's not here." He will never be here. He is gone forever.

What I have is my memories with him. The memories outweigh the tangible objects. 

I got rid of some OLD clothes/shoes, but nothing that I attached a memory to, well maybe some things like shorts/swimming trunks, but they were things that I wouldn't wear and let's be honest I had to donate/sell some stuff because I don't have room for everything. I sometimes regret getting rid of anything, but know that I have to. It's part of this process. I cannot hold onto those things, I would rather hold onto my feelings of him and memories. 

I wore his clothes today, a black button up shirt and a baby blue, rubber belt. It felt good. I felt like he was on me. It's nice that we can share clothes. Granted, it was a little baggy, but with a belt, it's all good. Plus, he was so skinny when he did his last shopping trip in LA, that everything fits me. I've acquired all his clothes. I wear them proudly. They make me smile because he loved them. He was my shopping partner and our last trip to LA was when we got engaged, so the clothes he bought on that trip are even more memorable. I will have those forever. 

b-b-b-breakdown at work

It is so hard to describe how you function with this much emotion. I know that today I had a breakdown at work over something very stupid. It doesn't take much. It can all be so overwhelming to balance your emotions with the day-to-day life of functioning. Sometimes my brain stops working and I cannot remember anything, while other times I feel so engaged that I could do anything.

Each task seems more complicated than it needs to be and I know in due time this will get better, however the person that I am...wants it to be over with so I can move on. Ain't happening.

So I must learn to be patient with myself and others. Easier said than done, that's for sure.

I also noticed that while I am self-aware, work blurs that for me. While I was in Michigan at my mom's I was very in tune with myself and my feelings, however work sort of creates a distraction that makes it challenging to know how I'm truly feeling at all times. I need to work on that, which I will.

ME called

While there is still no cause of death, I did hear from the ME today. Another TWO weeks. Yes, TWO more weeks in what already feels like years of my life. And in two weeks I don't even know if it'll be confirmed.

They are doing toxicology on the medication he was taking and have determined what was in his system, now they have to do the level of these medications. It's a layered approach and it appears that each layer takes fuckin forever.

No death certificates will be issued until the cause of death is known. Obviously it directly impacts insurance...I'm guessing. No idea.

Anyways, I was glad the ME doctor called me this morning. He is a very nice man and has made this process a bit more pleasant.

So, with that being said. I will know more in TWO weeks.

Monday, March 21, 2011

unbearable pain.

I often wonder if I will ever be okay. It sure doesn't seem like it right now. You never know what you will feel. I walked past a place where I know Scott fell (fainted) in our apartment because he was so weak. He had to call me at work to bring him gatorade from the fridge because he had fallen four times trying to walk from the bed to the kitchen. Tonight I walked past and could visibly see where he knocked the picture against the wall and potentially where his hip or body slid downward. It really fucked with my emotions. He was so sick. So goddamn sick and no one could figure out why.

While he was alive, the thought went through my head that he might die from this, however I never knew it would be my reality. I wish I could've done more for him, but I know and he knows that I did all I could.  I remember asking him one night why he loved me, and he said "because you take such good care of me. " I would give anything to have him here beside me so I could take care of him one more time.

It hurts so bad. So fucking bad. Everything hurts. The pain and the emptiness is unbearable. I feel so lonely. My heart has a void and a hole that keeps burning.

I feel like it's been years since his death and it's only been 10 weeks. This is going to be a long, long journey and I hate it. I wish I could give the pain to someone else or a little bit to everyone to help me.

I loved him beyond words.

just because it makes me smile..

This is one of my favorite pictures of Scott. He had just gotten these socks that look like shoes and I just love the smile on his face. He was shoe obsessed, even if they were socks!


I wish I could've said goodbye
I wish he could hold me one more time
I wish to hear his laugh again
I wish to see him smile
I wish to hear his voice

I wish I could've seen his face when I walked down the aisle
I wish to have danced with him at our wedding
I wish I could've seen the wedding logo he was designing in his head
I wish to have been Mrs. Poremsky

I wish I could see him one more time
I wish he could tell me that I will be okay
I wish I knew what he felt
I wish I was there the moment he died

I wish for one more kiss.


I learned in therapy today that the grieving doesn't really go away, you slowly gather your strength to function at a normal level. While I am functioning better today than I was last week, the grieving is still there. It's almost like a linear roller coaster. I will always get stronger, but the sadness will still be there. Some days will be really bad, but some days will be okay, all while maintaining a continuous momentum upward. I thought that was eye opening for me. 

When I'm sad, like tonight, I listen to sad music. It helps to feel the true emotion. I never want to not feel sad otherwise I will never get better. I am the type of person who likes to hide behind a brick wall and put on a happy face, however you cannot do that with grieving. I cannot pretend I am happy. I cannot pretend that he's not here. I have to be me and I am okay with that. 

I did not learn how Scott died today. I did not get my hopes up that I would hear back from the ME. I will deal with that when the time comes. 

The unknown really hurts. I wish I had resolution. I am ready to know, but will have patience and faith knowing that he went peacefully. Until I know otherwise. 

the dreaded ME call...

So today I know I have to call the medical examiner (ME) and it totally fucking sucks. I truly cannot describe the emotions I feel on days like today. How do you prepare yourself to ultimately hear how the love of your life died. Died! And will he tell me everything I want to know? Will this lead to a malpractice lawsuit against Northwestern University and University of Michigan Hospitals because they overlooked the problem???? I know that starting a legal war will not bring him back, but my goodness, he was in the hospital 3 times and if something was overlooked...fuck that. I will act on it. You can guarantee it.

Well time to sort of switch gears and try to get some work done. I hate today already and I haven't even called him yet.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

coming home.

One of the hardest things I face is coming home to an empty house. Whether I am at work, gym, running errands or out with friends, he will never be here again. I have his pictures and wear his shirts to bed, but nothing will ever bring him back. This is when I miss him. I miss him so much. I wish I could tell him about my dinner tonight at a restaurant we've never been to, but I can't. That is my reality.

He was always my listener. He provided so much for me that I miss and crave. Can someone else listen, yes, but it's not the same as Scott listening.

Sometimes it just hits you really hard. Right now is one of those times. I also know that I have to call the Medical Examiner tomorrow. It's been two weeks and I don't know if I'll get answers tomorrow or not. I am thankful that I have therapy tomorrow because it is always an emotional day. Knowing I am calling the person who will ultimately tell me how Scott died. All I ask for, is no suffering. I will not start mind games with myself until the cause of death is established, otherwise I would go bonkers.

This is an hour where I feel like shit. You just never know. It hits so hard. There are no warnings. Just pure sadness in the rawest form. The hole in my heart is still wide open because he's not here.

a new purse with meaning

I thought I needed a new purse today. I always carry very LARGE purse and this isn't practical when going out to dinner or "out on the town" with my girlfriends, so there ya have it. A new small, red, Betsey Johnson bag. Good thing Nordstrom Rack is right across the street from my house. 

I have learned to lean on friends and rekindle relationships with girlfriends that I've neglected over the years. It feels really good. While sometimes it's hard to step foot outside my apartment, I always have a good time. It's not easy, but I know that I cannot stay inside forever. 

I look forward to developing even stronger relationships with these women. They bring a smile to my face and are my family in Chicago. 

sunday, bloody sunday

Scott and I would normally be drinking coffee together. He preferred his with one ice cube whereas I love it hot. Like liquid lava. We would watch bowling and look at the paper together. He loved looking at circulars to see the "hot deals" on electronics, toys, DVD's and games. It was a ritual. He would often say "wanna go to______ today?" Which would consist of Bucktown, outlet mall, suburbs, Walmart, etc. He defined Sundays for us.

I am defining my own Sundays now. While he is not here with me, I think of all the Sundays we shared together and feel good knowing we had a lot of fun.

I feel a bit stronger today. I owe it to catching up on some sleep. It's amazing what sleep can do, when you actually sleep. I needed this weekend.

I never know what I will feel in the next hour, but as of right now, I am okay on this rainy Sunday.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

where I've been.

It has been 10 weeks (tomorrow) when I found Scott dead. That's right dead. I could not have said it so bluntly before, but today I can. It's my reality and it's what I must live with for the rest of my life.

The first week was a blur. Family and friends were always by my side, directing me to eat, sleep, shower, etc. I needed directors and they were amazing. I simply went through the motions. Then, after the funeral, it hit me. It hit me hard. Pain I have never, ever, ever experienced. A pain so deep that I didn't know I was capable of feeling so bad. It's called grieving. I had just buried my fiance. I was picking out his casket, when I should've been picking out his wedding band or tuxedo for our wedding.

There were days where I couldn't get up. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even brush my teeth. You don't know what to do. You don't know what you need or what to say. There are truly no words for this pain.

He was getting better, why is he gone? How did we go to dinner and a movie the night before, then BAM, dead. It doesn't make sense to me to this day.

I feel like it's been 5 years since he passed away. Grieving isn't the same for everyone so there is no manual to tell you what to do or what not to do. I know that I am more self-aware than I have ever been and know that someday the pain will start to ease, but it feels so far away.

I miss Scott every day. I miss his presence. I miss having my best friend. I miss his love.

People say to take one day at a time and I think that's right to some extent, however in the beginning, I had to take each second at a time, or each breath. Then it was each minute. I'm at the point now where I am taking each hour at a time. Eventually it'll get to a day at a time. Then who knows.

so it all begins...

I want to share my story. It's a story of how I am grieving over the loss of Scott. I want to provide a real, insider perspective into what I am going through on a daily basis. I have never suffered a loss and what a fucking way to experience it for the first time. It's not pretty, it's not fun, it's no joke, but here I will be able to have a safe, honest place to express my feelings.

I wanted to build upon this for those who are reading my blog and don't know my situation. I found my fiance, Scott, dead in our bed on the morning of January 9th. He had been sick for about 5 months but we thought we were on the right path to recovery. He suffered from nausea/vomiting the prior 5 months and based on three hospital stays, there was nothing medically wrong with him. He was diabetic, but that was under control. He was clinically depressed, but taking medications to help. He was so sick (lost 50 pounds, malnourished, lightheaded, weak, etc.). So sick without any answers, other than "depression." I hadn't had my Scott for a long time. But I thought I was slowly getting glimpses of my baby.  The night before he died, we went to a movie ('Tron,' his choice) and dinner. I never would've thought this was my last night with him. As we were sitting at dinner, we were discussing our plans for Sunday. And when Sunday came, he was gone. Dead. This is my story.